Obesity surgery

i, my name is Staci, and I just joined this club
a few days ago. I didn’t even start reading the
posts, I don’t think, until a couple of days after
joining…I guess I’m still in denial…I can’t believe that
I’m in the place that I’m in… when I stepped on the
scale and it read *380*, I went into a state of
shock…unfortunately, not enough shock to lose my appetite ;P I have
never been thin, though as I look back at pictures of
myself as a teen, I realize how completely brainwashed I
was about how I looked. I looked great back then…I
just didn’t realize it…I hated myself for being
FAT!!! Over the years, the pounds just continued to pack
on…I’m 34 now, and this is the most I’ve ever
weighed…I’m still in a total state of shock. About 3 years
ago, I’d actually starved myself down to 252…I lost

100 lbs by starving myself and by exercising like a
maniac…I couldn’t keep that up, though…duh..of course I
couldn’t exercise for 5 hours a day forever..I joined this
club to get some info…I wasn’t even seriously
considering surgery…I’ve always had a terrible aversion to
doing something so invasive to my body (hey! getting
fat isn’t *invasive* exactly!!;P Cutting my body
open and rearranging it…the pain… the time off of
work, and off of life…but the more I’ve read all the
posts, the more amazed I am by the amazing people
here…I read every single post from the very beginning
over the past two days….I was so tired I was falling
off my chair last night…but I was also mesmerized.
The thought of surgery absolutely terrifies me; I
think of stupid things, such as embarrassing lack of
privacy at the hospital, do they have a gown that fits,
will I be respected as a human being, and what the
heck is dumping??????? Being fat is so damned
humiliating…but it seems as though actually having someone *look*
at my body for the surgery is adding insult to
injury. On the other hand, I’m so tired of being stared
at, moo’d at, glared at, disrespected, ignored,
ridiculed, laughed at, treated as a subhuman…all because
I’m fat. I remember the incredible feeling of losing
all that weight…I almost felt *skinny* at 252!!!! I
have so many emotions as I read post after post
here…it seems like a miracle of a sort..yet it’s a
miracle one works so hard for…I’m beginning to conclude
that I just can’t lose this weight on my own…and I
want to be around to see my son grow up…I have
extremely high blood pressure..and I’m afraid that one of
these days I’ll either fall over dead or I’ll simply go
to sleep and never wake up. When I was an exercising
maniac, I could walk *hard* for 2 hours…now I can’t
walk 1/4 of a block without being out of breath and in
terrible pain. I guess I’m getting to the point that I’m
desperate. I hate the thought of a scar, and I hate the
thought of strange eating habits, and I hate the thought
of elective surgery, and I hate not knowing what the
consequences of the surgery will be in 30 years…but I’m also
beginning to think that this is my only sustainable
hope…I’ve tried it all, as most of us have… I’m sorry to
have gone on for so long…I guess I needed to spill
my heart out…and I can tell by reading that you
all understand…. what courage you all show.. and
what big hearts you all have in sharing your stories
(thanks for those who sent me their stories in e-mail
*HUGS* =) I started reading these posts for information,
but I’ve also gained an incredible look into some of
the heart and soul of what’s behind the surgery. I
made an appt with my doctor a few days ago; it was an
appt to check up on my blood pressure… now I will be
asking some serious questions about these
procedures…I’m terrified…but also a little hopeful..and
TERRIFIED! (Does anyone know if what Omni’s policy
regarding covering this sort of surgery is???) Again, I
apologize for the length of this post, and I thank you for
listening and for being so wonderful!!!! *HUGS* Staci

This entry was posted on Wednesday, March 19th, 2003 at 11:24 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.