Family Support
Have another question. <br><br>Have any of you
dealt with negativity toward having the surgery done by
family and close friends? <br><br>I took my mom with me
to the seminar on Saturday so she could hear the
doctor talk about it as well as others that have had the
surgery done talk about their experiences. I did this so
she would support me. Turns out that’s not what
happened.<br><br>Mom went home and told dad about it and my plans of
pursuing having this done. However, today I talked to my
dad on teh phone today and he told me "No way are you
going to have that surgery done." I respect that he
cares about me but I feel this is the right thing for
me to do.<br><br>Any thoughts or comments would be
greatly appreciated.
February 4th, 2004 at 9:03 am
Phyliss, I agree. My husband and I had the
surgery together. We talked about how our lives would
change. How we would start working out, going places and
making friend. This surgery gave me a whole new life and
a new outlook. I only WANT to eat good healthy
foods, I lift weights 3X wk and swim twice. Ive started
taking yoga and meeting people for the first time. I
enjoy life now, and I look fabulous. <br> The problem
is that my husband although he has lost 100 pounds
still haasnt changed anything. He snacks all day on
pretzels and hard candies and soda pop. He never wants to
go anywhere, and will NOT exercize. I dont even know
why he bothered having this surgery. Its made him
lose some of his weight, but he has stopped losing (no
wonder) and hes still 300 pounds. He sits at his computer
every waking hour that he isnt at work.<br> Now he
tells me that "Ive changed" and he wants his old wife
back. I said, you mean that fat depressed person who
sat on the couch all day and never did anything?"
Sorry, shes gone for good. I killed her and shes not
coming back EVER!!!!! We even had our "goal trip" to
Italy scheduled for October and he has since told me he
doesnt want to go anymore. I bought one ticket for
myself, and Im going alone. He actually thought I would
cancel my trip.<br> Does anyone have any advise for me?
I hate to say this but for the first time, Im
putting myself in front of my husband and its ruining my
marriage. HIs lifestyle makes me sick now. Everytime he
opens a bag of chips I want to pack up and leave. <br>
I want to live…..just like we talked about, and
he obviously doesnt.
February 4th, 2004 at 2:24 pm
Dear Goofy: I had my surgery 3 years ago and I am
still waiting for support from my mother. My father
never mentions the surgery at all…..but my mother is
always making negative jabs at me. I have learned that
the "support" that I so desperately needed is never
going to come….so I have looked to others that are
more willing to give me what I need. My husband has
been great and my on-line friends have always been
there for me. I can’t "wait" for my mother to have a
complete turnaround. I will be dead by then. She believes
it was for no other reason than vanity…….well,
let her think that.<br><br>Helen (Surgery 8-14-1997)
February 4th, 2004 at 7:45 pm
Hello- Well I am 10 weeks and YES I am counting!
I am not married, but could there be issues that
brought him to be heavy that he does not wnat to face? I
mean we ALL have reasons for being here! ( being large
that is ) I am seeing a counsler and I have worked
through alot of my issues and YES I am ready to put that
ICKY part of my life to rest! I know loosing the
weight could and will bring up issues that I have stored
for years under alot of pizzas LOL , Could that be
what he is going through? Did you do the surgery for
you? I am a true believer that this is something you
have to do for YOURSELF…. Timing is everything!
<br>I am sorry that he is not walking on the healthy
side with you! I am sure that is very painful for
you………….. <br><br>take care <br>Jennifer
February 5th, 2004 at 12:10 am
Cheryl,<br>YES I do know what you mean… I was
fortunate for it to NOT happen to me until AFTER it had
been done… and then I got a little sick (stomach
flu) and had to be taken to the hospital a few times
for IV medication… but through it all my family has
been great! Now I have 2 cousins that have had it
done… one is very large and all her sisters and mother
are the same… well they have done nothing but give
her grief.. so I have made it my mission to call her
once a week and give her the support she needs… and
call the "sisters" and tell them how GREAT I am
doing… how much I have lost… and to LAY OFF their
sister/daughter!! I also Icontinue to encourage my cousin that
these same people are really just very concerned and
they fear the unknown… they love her no matter what
and the fear of the unknown is too much for some
people to handle… they would rather have you as you
are… than have anything BAD happen to you! But the
same people that are downing this surgery… a year
from now will be your greatest allies… telling over
and over how great you look…. singing praises to
anyone and everyone! Good luck… and just keep giving
them the information… what your mother, father, or
anyone else does with it is their business… at least
you were open and honest from the git go!<br>Good
Luck,<br>Cindy<br>OPEN RNY 8/2/99<br>preop 298<br>current 170… and
losing a little more each day!
February 9th, 2004 at 12:01 pm
What happens to the husbands who prefer obese
women? I’m not talking about men who settled for a fat
wife. I’m talking about a man that never even looks at
women under 300 pounds. The man who posted a personal
ad in BBW magazine. The man who claims support for
my diets but knows that diets don’t work. What
happens to these men? Did you get divorced? Did you stay
together without sex? Or do they learn to find thin women
attractive?
February 9th, 2004 at 5:22 pm
If your married to a man like this…..I can’t
believe counseling wouldn’t be in order. He will have to
realize that the "fat" wife is going to be gone and he
will have to learn to adjust his thinking about fat
woman. I would hope that he would see such joy coming
from his wife with her weight loss that life would do
nothing but get better for the both of them. I have never
been in this position and I am only guessing. I would
hope that everything would work out….but it would
depend on both parties….Good question!!<br><br>Helen
(Surgery 8-14-1997)
February 11th, 2004 at 1:27 am
My ex wife forwarded an e-mail to me and asked me
to post a reply to this question. She has been very
successful with WLS and I feel this was the right decision
for her. Unfortunately, I have always had a
preference for very fat women, and this did not change with
the surgery. At first, I was prepared to stay with
her even if we lost the sexual part of our
relationship. As it turns out, much of our relationship was
based on this attraction, and our relationship was
reduced to one of friendship. We are still friends even
today.<br><br>This surgery was definitely the right choice for her,
and I would recommend WLS based on her experience.
Since she was continuing to get bigger every year, she
was experiencing many problems related to her
increasing weight. Admittedly, my preference for fat women
is very unusual, however at least one husband failed
to make the adjustment. Are there others?
February 11th, 2004 at 6:48 am
Hats off to you! for understanding the need of your x! I think that is so cool,
Did you remarry? Are you a large man? <br><br>Jennifer
July 5th, 2006 at 2:58 am
Hi everyone,
I recently told my older sister that I was on a list
to see a weight loss surgeon. Her reaction wasn’t a
good one needless to say. She is more of a mother to
me than a sister, as she helped raise me after my mom
passed away when I was 8. So her support is very
important to me.
Her reaction was that I was taking the easy way out.
That I should be able to lose the weight through
dieting. She has never struggled with weight and I
don’t really think she truly understands what I’m
going through. I tried to explain to her that my BMI
is 52 and what that means to me health wise. Also
that I have at least 200 pounds to lose. That my
family doctor supports me in my decision to have WLS.
I still get the same reaction from her. I’ve spent
many days lately in tears trying to think of ways to
make her truly understand my reasoning. I bluntly
told her that if I don’t lose the weight, I’m going to
die early, that I’m tired of waking up every day in
pain from my knees and taking a ton of pills everyday
for high blood pressure etc.
I know part of her concern is my heart. She’s worried
that it would put too much stress on it. What is
worse, the extra 200 pounds or the surgery? My heart
problem isn’t life threatening anymore, thank god. I
had angioplasty 4 1/2 yrs ago. I’ve told her that
losing the weight will help slow or stop the
progression of the coronary artery disease.
Please if anyone has any suggestions on helping her
understand more, let me know. I’ve sent her links to
sites about WLS. Like I said earlier, her support
means so much to me.
Cindy
July 6th, 2006 at 6:52 am
Cindy, she’s coming from fear because she loves you. You’re going to have to
make up your mind about what you want to do, and do that… and you may just
have to show her what the advantages of the surgery are, should you decide
to take that step. She may never come to an understanding from her
position. A lot of family members don’t. Your extra weight is much more
likely to kill you - and sooner - than your GBS. Now, that said, there’s a
1/2 of 1% mortality rate with this surgery. Can’t get around that.
My prayers are with you… Maybe someone who has been successful in getting
a family member to "switch camps" will have something more to add.
Pam in Niceville
Hi everyone,
I recently told my older sister that I was on a list
to see a weight loss surgeon. Her reaction wasn’t a
good one needless to say. She is more of a mother to
me than a sister, as she helped raise me after my mom
passed away when I was 8. So her support is very
important to me.
Her reaction was that I was taking the easy way out.
That I should be able to lose the weight through
dieting. She has never struggled with weight and I
don’t really think she truly understands what I’m
going through. I tried to explain to her that my BMI
is 52 and what that means to me health wise. Also
that I have at least 200 pounds to lose. That my
family doctor supports me in my decision to have WLS.
I still get the same reaction from her. I’ve spent
many days lately in tears trying to think of ways to
make her truly understand my reasoning. I bluntly
told her that if I don’t lose the weight, I’m going to
die early, that I’m tired of waking up every day in
pain from my knees and taking a ton of pills everyday
for high blood pressure etc.
I know part of her concern is my heart. She’s worried
that it would put too much stress on it. What is
worse, the extra 200 pounds or the surgery? My heart
problem isn’t life threatening anymore, thank god. I
had angioplasty 4 1/2 yrs ago. I’ve told her that
losing the weight will help slow or stop the
progression of the coronary artery disease.
Please if anyone has any suggestions on helping her
understand more, let me know. I’ve sent her links to
sites about WLS. Like I said earlier, her support
means so much to me.
Cindy
July 6th, 2006 at 4:59 pm
OK let’s see if this sends this time. I just got a denied letter because the dr.
didn’t send in the clinical notes from my visits with him. Health alliance
requires a 6mths dr supervised diet, which I have done. What are these notes
that they are talking about? I asked them and they said call your dr and tell
them this is waht we need. I called the dr and the office said what? I am the
first wls person they have dealth with. This is my pcp that I am talking about.
SO now tring to figure out what they want. Any help would be appreciated.
thanks,
Diana
July 7th, 2006 at 5:46 pm
Cindy, I had a good friend that was totally against me having the surgery.
We went to see the surgeon together. She needed to lose 200 pounds herself
and was to afraid to have the surgery. She decided that this surgery wasn’t
for her and didn’t want me to have it either. Misery loves company! I had
to keep my distance from this friend. I needed people around me that would
support me and my decision to have WLS. After I had my surgery and was
losing weight , happy and healthy I called her. She was mad that I went
ahead with the WLS but glad that I was ok. She contacted my Dr. about
having the surgery herself two years later and they refused to do it because
she had to many health problems. If she had gone ahead and had WLS when I
did , she would have avoided these health problems. But that was her
choice. This is your choice. Do this for yourself.
Ellen
300/185
10/23/97 ( My sixth year anniversary today!)
July 8th, 2006 at 3:09 pm
Cindy, Here are 50 reasons to have WLS
Making a Decision
By Barbara Cummings
1.. When was the last time you shopped in a regular clothing store, like
Hoechst’s?
2.. When was the last time you wore size 8 underpants?
3.. Do you have more than 1 belt in your drawer that you have never worn?
4.. Can you shower in the communal room at the local health club?
5.. Can you swim? Do you? With normal sized people?
6.. Could you take an aerobics class and stay to the end?
7.. When was the last time you rode a roller coaster?
8.. When you fly, do you have to ask for a seat belt extension?
9.. Does your car seat belt cut you across your neck?
10.. When was the last time you could wear "one size fits most?"
11.. 11. When you go upstairs, does your heart pound until you think it’s
going
to jump out of your chest? Does it hurt?
12.. Can you climb a flight of stairs without pain in your knees? Two
flights?
13.. Have you ever looked longingly at people using scooters in Wal-Mart?
14.. When was the last time you went to the beach? In a bathing suit? To
swim? And not thought people were looking at you?
15.. Do you buy your clothes in a department store, or is Lane Bryan,
Dress Barn Woman, Fashion Bug Plus, and Roman’s the stores you go to?
16.. When was the last time you had on sexy underwear?
17.. Is your neck bigger than most people’s heads?
18.. Is your leg bigger than most people’s waists?
19.. Have you run out of diet solutions, having tried every one of them in
the past, only to fail?
20.. If you had a medical emergency, would the paramedics have to struggle
to get you into the rescue vehicle? Could they perform CPR on you, or,
because of your fat, would they have to use paddles?
21.. Have you ever cried because of you are overweight?
22.. Have you ever lost a partner or spouse because you are overweight?
23.. Have you ever lost a job because you are overweight?
24.. Have you ever been denied a job or promotion because of your size?
25.. Have you ever gone into therapy for weight related problems like
depression or sexual dysfunction?
26.. Was the therapist overweight and struggling, or was s/he normal
weight, with no idea what you were going through?
27.. Have you ever been in therapy, only to find that you’re listening
more to the therapist’s problems than yours?
28.. Have you ever taken more than one prescription drug for weight
control?
29.. If there were a fire in your building and you were on the fifth
floor, would you be able to go down the stairs in less than three minutes?
30.. Do you have health problems related to overweight — like diabetes,
arthritis, knee or hip joint pain, heart palpitations, irregular heart beat,
etc.,
31.. Do you think a thyroid pill will help all your problems?
32.. Can you look at yourself naked in the mirror, or do you avert your
eyes?
33.. When was the last time someone other than your
partner/husband/wife/children told you that you were beautiful? Pretty?
Pleasingly plump? Any compliment about your appearance at all? Lately?
34.. Can you still fit behind the wheel of a car without pushing the seat
way, way back? Would you consider it dangerous to ride with a driver who
can’t reach the pedals? Can you reach them easily?
35.. Do the seats in your chairs and sofas have indentations where you
sit? Do you crush the seat cushions wherever you sit? Has anyone ever asked
you not to sit on a chair? Did you understand that it was because you might
break it?
36.. If you were asked to go sailing, could you?
37.. Does your greatest night out (date) consist of an "all you can eat"
restaurant?
38.. Can you fit comfortably in the seats at your local theater?
39.. Can you slide easily into a booth at a restaurant?
40.. Can you clean yourself thoroughly after normal bodily functions?
41.. Can you sit without your knees bowing out to the side?
42.. When was the last time you crossed your legs?
43.. When was the last time you tied your shoes without sitting down? Do
you ever call your husband/wife/children to help tie your shoes?
44.. Does your shoe wardrobe consist mostly of slip-ins?
45.. Do you ever wonder where the beauty and joy went?
46.. When was the last time you DIDN’T wear queen/king size?
47.. Have children ever been afraid of you? What about your grandchildren?
Do they run to hug you, or do they hang back? Did you ever consider that it
might be because your weight overwhelms or frightens them?
48.. Do you want to be there when your children have grandchildren? Do you
want to be able to play with them, really play with them?
49.. Could you buy a fancy, beautiful mother-of-the-bride dress, and be
comfortable in it? Would you look gorgeous in it?
50.. When was the last time you could cuddle a child IN YOUR LAP?
51.. Has your son or daughter had to fight a kid because they called you
fatty?
52.. If your child were your size, would you be okay with it, or would you
do whatever you could to help him/her achieve a normal weight? Including
surgery? If so, why not you? Don’t you deserve what your child deserves?
53.. Do you fear the surgery? If you do, do you also fear: Amputation?
(It’s in the cards.) Kidney failure? (Wait. It’s coming.) Heart attack? (At
your weight, you probably won’t make it.) Stroke? (Reduced blood flow in
overweight people and high blood pressure — it’s a probability.) A
wheelchair existence? (’Nuff said.) A really short life span? (Almost
guaranteed
July 9th, 2006 at 4:46 am
Cindy,
My cousin just had the surgery…I am sure many here will tell you…..it is
not the easy way out. It is hard….it is a big decision….and something you
will have to live with. We are going thru bankruptcy….I am not too happy
about it but it has been the hardest decision to date and I am tired of people
making me feel like crap because this is the way I felt I had to go. So
kindly, maybe, let her know how hard this has been and how you need her support.
They should have fat belts to give to skinny people and let them see. A
truly skinny person doesn’t understand. I don’t know what to say to her. I am
sorry. My hubby is against me having it. Now that I am not pg I have to think
seriously about having the surgery…and i have to decide when I want more
kids.
July 10th, 2006 at 7:30 am
Ellen,
That is great! 6 years! is 185 your goal? have you had any complications?
Beth
July 13th, 2006 at 8:47 am
Hi Everyone,
Thank you so much for all the replies and words of
encouragement.
I know I’m not likely to be able to change my sister’s
opinion, she’s stubborn..LOL But I do know that going
through the process to get to the ultimate goal is for
me. My family doctor is starting the steps. 1. the
referral to a surgeon, 2. sending me to a dietician,
she’s done a complete physical etc. I’m not sure what
else I will have to do to qualify with OHIP(Ontario
Canada Health Ins). But I will do whatever is
necessary.
I have discussed what I want to do with my
children(both grown) and my partner of 3 years. The
kids were iffy at first, but my daughter actually
works with a lady that has had RNY and now understands
and my son, bless his heart, is there for me as is my
partner. My son was there for me every minute when I
almost died from a blockage in my heart and he sees on
a daily basis the pain I go through. (Him, his fiance
and my 6 month old grandson live with me).
I look at Tyler and truly in my heart know, if I don’t
do something about my weight, I won’t be here to see
him grow up. This little guy is his grandma’s heart
*smiles*
I’ll keep you all posted on how things are going. I
know waiting lists here in Ontario are long.
*Hugs*
Cindy
July 15th, 2006 at 6:14 pm
Hi Beth, I have had no complications at all. My goal was anything under
the 200 mark. Unfortunatly I didn’t go under 185. Must be thats the weight
I belong at. I know if I follow my pouch rules and give up the carbs I
could go lower.
Ellen
July 16th, 2006 at 7:52 am
Ellen,
that is great. All that matters is that you are healthy and happy!
Beth